Friday, October 23, 2009

The Children of the Corn (2009) **

Seriously, where the hell are their parents!? You can't tell me these kids killed ALL of them...

The opening scene is pretty creepy considering it's an 8 year old preaching to a farm full of children and teens (under 19 of course) like he's some sort of cult leader or something. The kids end up following this "prophet" and kill any adult that comes within metres of their camp.

An OK rendition of the original, but Stephen King deserves better than this! The gore was good, but minimal. The actors were children, and for the most part, horrible.

How did they keep their clothes so clean? You're telling me that 50 children have a Utopian style commune going on in the middle of a cornfield (which they worship, by the way)?? It's just a little far fetched.

The original was epic... this remake was... sad.

The Last House On The Left (2009) *****+++

I don't know what happened to Wes Craven as a child, but hey, it worked out well for us horror fans! Pretty much exactly the same as the original, give or take some details...

A couple of teenage girls make a stupid choice and hook up with a random boy they met. Little do they know, he's travelling with his psychopathic father and his gang of sadists and they end up in alot of trouble.

There is a TERRIFYING rape scene-- almost brought me to tears, it was so realistic. The moral of the story is obvious-- don't go to a strange, dirty motel room with a boy you JUST met because you want some pot. There are safer ways to acquire such things...

The acting is incredible... the main girl was so believable and genuine-- I really felt for her. The main bad guy is a sadistic, psychopathic rapist who treats people like animals. But... the real stars of this film are the main girl's PARENTS, who decide to seek revenge on the gang of crazies by killing them in creepy, unclean ways.

My emotions were up and down-- upset and sad because this was happening, but when the parents sought their revenge, it made me extremely happy. Such a powerful film.

The extra +s are for social significance, how long I thought about the movie afterwards (I was tramatized! lol) and gore factor.

Autopsy (2008) ****

A woman and her boyfriend try to escape a hospital that they THOUGHT would help them with their issues...

Gore factor is not Martyrs amazing, but still very well done.

Martyrs (2008) *****+

I give it the plus for the EXTREME GORE FACTOR! Unbelievable gore that I have never seen in my entire life, and for that, this movie gets a huge kudos from me!

A woman was kidnapped and tortured while a child, then escaped... only to come back to avenge her pain years later. There's quite a twist though, when she gets to the people and realize that this is more of a way of life for them than just a one time deal. Definate plot twist when you find out why it's all going on...

Again, the gore is out of this world, so if you can't handle super real looking skin and blood... don't watch this!

Ils (2006) *****

"Lucas and Clementine live peacefully in their isolated country house, but one night they wake up to strange noise... they're not alone... and a group of hooded assailants begin to terrorize them throughout the night."

That about sums it up. I was on the edge of my seat all night and even though I saw this film a year and a half ago, I still remember how amazing it was.


Apparently there is an American version coming out, called "Them". Why do Americans have to bastardize amazing foreign horror films!? The subtitles make it a little eerier.

REC (2007) *****

This one is for sure in my top five movies. If the Blair Witch Project and Night of the Living Dead had a baby, REC would be it!

A newscaster goes to the local fire department to do a fun story, but ends up being stuck in a building that they are called to due to a quarantine of some kind. Noone really knows until people in the building start turning into zombies... ouch!

This is in Spanish, so there are subtitles... for some reason makes it a little creepier! Quarantine (2008) is the American version for all the folks who don't like to read while watching a movie. It's pretty much the same thing but in English.

Paranormal Activity (2009) ****

Blair Witch style, this movie is a mix between Amityville Horror and The Exorcist.

A young couple, not married, live together and experience some bizarre poltergeist-type occurances. The girlfriend says she's been experiencing them since she was 8 (which would have been a deal breaker in real life), so boyfriend decides to buy a nice HD camera to document everything that happens. Well, creepy shit really starts to go down!!

Turned out to be quite scary and creepy! I love the home video style of filming, it makes it seem so much more... realistic. This wasn't an obviously scripted film either-- it seemed like alot of the conversations were improvised, but that adds to the realism.

The gore is pretty good, but definately could have been better! When the end came along I really wished they showed what happened, but instead you get a still camera and sounds coming from downstairs. Adds to the creepiness? Sure... but doesn't give it that extra star!

Botched (2007) ****

IMDB's description is RIGHT on: "During a heist in Russia, a professional thief finds himself dealing with serial killers, insane hostages, double-crossing psycho Russian hardmen and the real possibility of a horrible death."

Seriously, those hostages ARE INSANE! Nevermind the midevilesque ballet dancer with the ball and chain... wtf is going on in that building?!

This has become one of my faves-- the gore is outrageous, the plot and acting is excellent (albeit hilarious) and the end is, well... strange.

Think twice next time you try to heist a creepy business office, think twice. Oh, and check those mystery floors that aren't in use...

Pontypool (2008) *****

Yay! This takes place in Canada... Kawartha Lakes to be exact, so it's extra creepy. Only an hour away, people!

Definately an excellent movie-- based on the idea that a virus can be transmitted through language, people in this little town start going a little nuts. A radio DJ and his crew are stuck in their building due to a quarantine and have to figure out how to deal with the situation... until one of their own catches the virus! Uh oh. Could this happen!? I'm not really sure, but with all this talk of swine flu, I guess it could very well be possible. A real creeper!!

Stag Night (2009) ****

What was with the Jagermeister logo at the end? Is it because it's logo is a deer?! That was confusing, but the rest of the film wasn't. Kept me on the edge of my seat, even though I didn't think it would.

Basically, a group of men go out for a friend's bachelor party and... well, all hell breaks loose, and not in a good way. They get trapped in a subway tunnel (don't ask why they're there in the first place-- they have a good argument about whose fault it is) with a bunch of barbarians... well, more like urban-feral-cannibals.

Definately a creeper... unfortunately lacks any sort of social significance, unless this really goes on underground...

Crush (2009) ****

Attraction CAN be fatal-- especially in this case. The lead guy is looking after someone's house for a few months and the owner's neice keeps coming over unexpectedly to try and have sex with him. They are both pretty hot and did a good job acting. Definately a plot twist at the end, which made me reminisc of old relationships (juuuust kidding!). The neice's character is extremely pushy and shows up and walks in whenever she wants, because conveniently, she has keys. Great gore factor. Not much social significance.

Offspring (2009) *

I was actually quite disappointed in this film... probably because Jack Ketchem's last film, The Girl Next Door ( set an extremely high standard. The direction and cinematography pretty much sucked. The plot was useless and the acting was sub-par. The entire story line, basically about a group of feral children living in the forest that end up terrorizing folks, is pretty trite. The effects are very well done though, I will give it that. I didn't end up thinking about this film at all until just now, so that says alot.

A Perfect Getaway (2009) ****

A couple goes on their honeymoon to beautiful Hawaii only to learn that there is some sort of honeymooners serial killer on the loose... and slowly following them island by island.

Pretty realistic, cuz hey, this COULD happen... the gore is awesome as well, very bloody. Not much of a social significance to this film though-- it's more of a slasher flick. EXCELLENT twist at the end, though.

Tormented (2009) *****

What a fantastic film! Deals with the horror of bullying in highschool... but this situation gets a little out of control and a victim of the bullying decides to avenge his tormentors from the grave...

The plot was realistic, as we all know bullying is going on daily in highschools and elementary schools... even work places! Definately an issue that needs to be paid attention to-- and this film did it for me! Awesome cast and acting, great effects and awesome gore, especially in the end scene!

My first "review" and 5 stars... no, I'm not an easy film watcher, I just really enjoyed this film!

View the deets at

Bullying Awareness Week is coming up in November...


My BFGF (best fucking guy friend) and I watch an insane amount of horror films together, so I've decided to compile a list of the ones I've seen (lately and in the past) and do pseudo-mini-reviews, just for fun.

Here's my rating rhubric...
Each movie can have a total number of 5 stars (*s). The movie will get one star per category if it has been fulfilled.

The categories are:
1) Gore factor: I like horror films to be bloody and disgusting. The more gore, the more I will give it a full star.
2) Social significance: Most horror films have some sort of underlying social or moral story.
3) Psychological factor: Did this movie make me really THINK afterwards? Did it start a lengthy discussion? Did I continue to think about it for days or weeks after watching it?
4) Realism: Was it realistic? If it is an outlandish plot or story, was it convincing?
5) Overall Quality: The plot, actors, cinematography, music, editing, etc. Every basic ingredient in a good horror film need to be present for this star.

So if the movie fulfills each category, it will get 5 stars... however many categories are not fulfilled will deduct a star.