Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sagittarius LIVES!

I don't what this is, but it was found in a forest in Thailand. It looks like some sort of alien-centaur being. Some say it was "born of a cow" and has "severe birth defects" but the last time I checked, cows don't have faces like that or hooves with only two cloven hooves. Those are some serious birth defects!

Anyways, the village people (not the band!) decided to adorn it with flour and flowers. They sat around and worshiped this being as well, kept it around for a few days. How it didn't start to rot and stink up the place is beyond me. I don't really blame them though-- who knows what this thing is. It could be one of Stephen Hawking's friends for all we know, sending down a test to see how we would react. "Did they kill it and eat it?" "Did they have sex with it?" These would be some of the frequently asked questions by these aliens, the answers of course basing the probability of them coming down to Earth, colonizing and eating us.

Who's the Fakest of Them All?

This Bitch: Ashley Kirilow from Burlington, Ontario

If you haven't heard already, this 23 year old selfish cunt decided that it would be a good idea to FAKE HAVING CANCER to steal a bunch of money from innocent, stupid teenagers and charitable, caring adults. She shaved her head, plucked her eyebrows and eyelashes then starved herself to look like a chemo patient. She even got these tacky tattoos on her knuckles, just to be extra convincing:

She went around to concerts and skateparks with a booth for her "charity" where she would accept cash donations from teenagers-- who of course, would never ask for a receipt. Eventually word got out that this pathetic being exists and a few people threw full out benefit concerts for her, one raising $9,000 in one shot. I don't even know any excorts that make that much money in one shot. Well... I guess it depends on what kind of shot it is... a money shot?

She's admitted that she did it because she didn't get enough attention from her parents, who divorced when she was 2. WELCOME TO MAINSTREAM SOCIEY, LOSER. Over half of the marriages in society end in divorce and I'm sure lots of them have kids who suffer emotionally. What do they do? Become strippers. Why couldn't this idiot just do that? Or just stick to the small town Ontario fashion of getting knocked up? No shot gun wedding needed-- you can just have the kid and milk the government, all the while making your parents feel bad for not setting a good example of a loving relationship.

The Internet is abuzz about this girl, comments are flaring, people are angry. People are even making groups just to slam this girl and come up with ideas for punishment. The most common is "make her do thousands of hours of community service in a cancer ward" or... "let's just make her go through chemo, to see how it REALLY feels! MUAHAHAA!" I'm thinking: public beating! $5 a punch, $10 a kick... and we can even get some of those novelty butt pads for the seats. We can take them home as souveniers. We can hold it at the Rogers Centre, so there will be enough room for everyone. Also, we should have jumbo screens and air it live on the Internet, so all of the international folk who also hate this bitch can watch in honor. It could be a primetime family event! All the proceeds, of course, will be donated to cancer research.

For the record, I don't blame the parents one bit. I feel bad for them. They gave birth to this shit and now they, as well as her siblings, are going to have to deal with the media scrutiny. Everyone in the world is talking about this. People are placing blame all over the place. She's 23-- an adult. She is capable of making her own stupid decisions, just like the rest of us.

Now of course she's playing the "mental illness" card. She has a bottle of anti depressants and anti anxiety pills that she, of course, showed the media. Then she went on to describe how she has borderline personality disorder. Here's an idea: EVERYONE IS ON THOSE PILLS. Psychiatrists give them out like candy to anyone who bitches enough, just to shut them up! That and I highly doubt that this entire scheme fits into any of the categories of the DSV-IV, the classification of mental illnesses, widely used across North America (maybe the world, I don't know). She admitted that she knew what she was doing and should be blamed for it. Therefore she has no mental illness. I'm pretty sure that people with real mental illnesses don't even know that they did something stupid, nevermind readily admit it to the news.

Well Ashley, you got your attention. Are you happy now? The entire world knows what you did and hates you. I personally hope she goes to jail for a bit and then is forced into some serious counselling AND community service in a cancer ward.

So anyways, Ashley set up this Facebook page for her charity, "Change" For A Cure. You should check it out because it has become a hating ground. This is the official page to express your anger for Ashley! I went on, of course, and commented on a thread which ended up lasting for about 115 posts:

I know, it's tiny. I don't know how to make it bigger. Needless to say, the administrator/"moderator" of the page didn't like what we had to say and deleted the entire post. This enraged all of us who participated because hey, we wanted to make it into the Guiness Book of World Records. This bitch censored us and we didn't appreciate it. So, we told her, spammed her wall and next thing you know, I'm no longer allowed to post or comment on any walls, photos, comments, links etc. It lasted a few days, but it was worth it. Those people and I have started a NEW group to talk about whatever we want, uncensored.

If you want to read about this bitch, there are millions of articles about her. Just google her name and you will find a gold mine. The best comments are found on her page on Facebook and also on the Toronto Sun article here, here, and here.

If you know someone with cancer or have lost someone because of cancer, I feel for you. I have as well and it sucks, which is why I'm so outraged by this girl's unbelievably selfish actions. Continue to donate, continue to volunteer. Don't give up-- if you are skeptical about charities, make sure it's a registered one or one that is associated with a university or hospital.

I love you Nana and you will always be in my heart.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Let's Shave This Bieber

I'm a little hung over right now so this actually makes me throw up in my mouth a little. According to many media outlets, Justin Bieber is coming out with his own COMIC. A COMIC. What the HELL!? It seems to be about his life, I guess some sort of mini-bio. I think he should take the liberty of adding a monster in there to rip off his head.

It reminds me of the video of Justin Bieber getting hit in the head with a water bottle while on stage. Why would she do that? Because you look like a 15 year old lesbian. That's why.

Then I remembered this precious gem: Justin Bieber getting caught in a revolving door and hitting his head. Look at the poor little guy! He's trying so hard to get that door to move. He's like a little GI Joe but with no muscles, gear, barcode on the bottom of his foot or penis.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Humans: The OTHER Other White But Sometimes Black, Brown or Other Colored Meat

Stephen Hawking may be the smartest person on the planet, and he says that those alien folks are not very friendly. He apparently has discovered that aliens not only will not be friendly toward us if we contact them, but they may want to colonize Earth, enslave us and eat us. Just like we do to cattle. I'm starting to think that maybe he's already contacted them via ET phone and already started an intergalactic beef. What did you DO, Stephen?! Did you tell them about the BP oil crisis and how it went on for 85 days without any sort of intervention and now they want to kill us because we're selfish, consumerist pricks? Stevie's come out with a new documentary explaining his theory and why it makes sense. But that's obvious-- because he's the smartest person in the world. So smart that he decided to go to a strip club in Kitchener, Ontario and get a lap dance from a confused hooker while he is in town teaching at University of Waterloo. That doesn't sound very smart to me. Why wouldn't he just see the classy Toronto strippers at the Brass Rail? Why doesn't he just own his own strippers because he has money from teaching astrophysics? Why doesn't he just hire a bunch of aliens to strip for him, shove their privates in his face and call it a day?

Whatever. The thought of those strippers makes me sick to my stomach. Hearing about this made me think of children's renditions of aliens. I love children's drawings-- they're so creepy but also so honest.

Wait a second, that last one doesn't go in there. Oh well. Notice how all these aliens look the same? Have children been watching too much TV? Wtf is a hybrid? Are they trying to imply that humans and aliens will be mating and having children? Is this what teachers are telling kids these days?!

The closest hybrid we're going to get in our lifetime is the fat kid-TV hybrid. The TV is just build right in there, on the muffin top, so the child can watch whenever s/he wants. S/he won't even have to get up to change the channel-- it's all in the nipples.

Quality 90's YTV Programming

Does anyone remember that weird TV show from the '90's on YTV called Maniac Mansion???? God, it was weird.

According to Wikipedia, the source for all truth in the universe:

The plot of the show is loosely based on the 1987 computer game Maniac Mansion, with several liberties being taken with the characters and stories.

The show centers around the Edisons, a family living in a large mansion in the presumably American town of Cedar Springs, headed up by father Fred (Joe Flaherty), an eccentric scientist, his wife Casey (Deborah Theaker), and their children, teenage Tina (Kathleen Robertson), pubescent Ike (Avi Phillips) and toddler Turner (George Buza). Living with the Edisons are Casey's brother Harry Orca (John Hemphill) and his wife Idella Muckle-Orca (Mary Charlotte-Wilcox).

Prior to the beginning of the series, Fred inherits the mansion from his father, also a scientist, as well as the evil, extraterrestrial meteor that was discovered living under the mansion several generations ago. The meteor possesses odd supernatural powers, causing strange things to happen around the house, including mutating toddler Turner into the body of a full-grown man and turning Harry into a creature with a human head and a fly's body. Often throughout the series, Fred performs various outlandish experiments in an attempt to return them to normal. Aside from these science fiction plot elements, the show largely followed the format of a typical sitcom, with plots revolving around such typical fare as sibling rivalry, marriage troubles, wacky neighbors and teen angst.

Maniac Mansion's brand of humor is similar to that of Canadian sketch comedy program Second City Television ("SCTV"), which shared much of the same cast and writers as Mansion. The show is filled with pop culture references and occasional parodies of movies, television shows and commercials, which served as the basis for most of the humor in SCTV.

Another staple of Maniac Mansion's humor was for the show to frequently break the fourth wall. Characters (primarily Harry) would often address the camera and talk about how the episode was going, while a few episodes were entirely meta-referential. For example, a few episodes take place "behind the scenes" of the show, where it's revealed the Edisons are actually playing themselves in a show about their lives, while the series finale, set in the future, features a grown-up Turner as a television executive who ends up creating Maniac Mansion.

Look at the huge fucking pussy! It's HUGE! And WHITE!

If that doesn't sound like a fucking riot I don't know what will to you, you desensitized bastard! Here's the theme song. It sounds like a drunken whore out on the streets of Toronto trying to make a buck. Wait a second, is that Chantel Kreviazuk!? And what's with that weird robot in the newspaper!? Does it walk around like that all the time or just when you tell it to do stuff? Can I get one? I know it was from the 90's but most cool things are still available from the 90's, like Tori Spelling. Here's a scene where the scientist Dad is trying to figure out a way to fix the fly guy "Get off my spoon you dirty bastard. You've been in the dog's shit half the day."

Does anyone know where this is available on DVD? VHS? BETA!?!? Apparently I'm not the only one thinking about this show.

You Sure Showed Those Small Business Owners!!!!

I'm sure everyone knows about the G20 in Toronto last month, or as my American friends refer to it "that g2 thing, y'all?" Yah, you forgot a 0. Anyways, a bunch of lunatic, rampant crazies came into our city and decided to TRASH the downtown core (video here-- warning, it's very disturbing and this is totally real and uncut). Apparently these "Black Bloc" people (more video here and an article here) do this at every summit, every year and trash the hosting city. I get it, you want to make a point... what's that point again? You hate corporations? Then why are you trashing that privately & immigrant owned small store? They are no corporation, they are just trying to run a business. Why are you trashing a Starbucks, which is a franchise, meaning it is owned by an independant person? Oh yah, because you clearly are a bunch of hypocrits, wearing Nikes and pulling out your Nikon cameras to document the action all while holding your home-made coffee in your reuseable plastic mugs from Canadian Tire.

Anyways, these Black Bloc freaks, who say they aren't a "group"-- they are a "protest tactic" (it looks pretty organized to me, and 12 people dressed the same way doing the same thing, yelling the same shit and holding signs and little red flags kind of fits the definition of "group"), went around messing with regular, peaceful protesters and terrorizing our city. Then once they thought they were about to be caught, they ripped off their black outfits to expose their matching, every day clothes underneath, so they could sneak away all the while being hidden by peaceful protesters! Freedom! No... Pussies! Admit to your bullshit and deal with the consequences, don't go sneaking through sewers to get away from cops. Clearly you have no backbone and will not stand up for what you "believe in" if you are willing to go to THAT LENGTH to escape identification.

Obviously this is a tactic AND they are also a group. A group of psychos that travels from countries all over the world just to appear at a protest and wreak havoc. And slap Tim Horton's cups out of peoples' hands. Our coffee is just not safe anymore, people!

Apparently the "corporations" are "out to get us". I don't think it's the corporations we need to worry about (especially Starbucks, who actually does a ton of charity work and gives ALOT of money every year to special needs groups ), I think it's these wannabe ninjas running around our country trying to make a statement that are the real threat. Take a look at the small businesses in the videos-- with the exception of Starbucks, Nike and McDonald's (the easy targets), they are all small businesses! How is that capitalism? A family trying to eke a living by being an entrepreneur? Why can't people just support others in their quest for success and food for their tables?

Here's a statement directly from me to the Black Bloc, with love: If you don't live in the city or country holding the summit, GET THE FUCK OUT! You have no say! We don't care what you think-- go protest peacefully with the real intelligent, positive, forward-thinking people. You took all the attention away from the people with REAL causes and put it all on yourselves because you are a bunch of babies who need a nap, have a poopy diaper and need a googoogaga soother. You, Black Bloc people, should be eaten to death by muskrats. Or tasmanian devils, because they stink.

Group or not a group? These self proclaimed "anarchists" say that they are "not a group", they "have no leader"... yes, actually, yes you do. The guy with the red flag running around telling you what to do is your leader, because you do what he says and nod when he looks at you and speaks to you. So therefore you are not anarchists. Anarchy doesn't work in real life, folks. Society must have order and laws and when you don't obey them, you get in trouble. That's that. Just don't go near the fence and don't trash the place trying to make some "point" about "corporations" and "colonialism"... you probably don't even know what the latter word means, since you probably live in a colony yourself. An ant colony. Oh yah.

Here are some more videos of the Black Bloc Terrorists aka "Anarchists" who are "not organized at all!!!" here (not sure which country this is or when), in Prague, Rostock, Athens, Minsk, Pittsburg,Vancouver, Seattle, Georgetown, and Madrid. Just admit you're organized and it will all be over, because we'll all know that you truely just don't understand what "anarchy" means.

Also, I love the fact that there are a ton of videos of these creeps set to post-hardcore and punk music. Typical! The best are the ones put to Rage Against the Machine songs-- I highly doubt that Zack, Tom, Tim & Brad would be impressed considering they are actually educated in political science.. one actually has a PhD in protesting... and they actually hold RALLIES to raise MONEY for their cause, not just act like a bunch of babies on crack.

I know at least one person who doesn't give a shit about riots, burning police cars, poltics, corporations or capitalism and that is this fucking brilliant man who just wants to shop and give more money to the corporations! He's so mad that the Eaton Centre is closed and he DEMANDS A REASON! "Why is it closed?" Look behind you, the city is on fire. And on the other side is an obnoxious teen trying to get his 15 minutes of fame. It worked.

Theory Number 4,892,735,892 About The End of the World: BP Remix

Everyone needs to read this article about the BP oil spill and how it may or may not have triggered a world-catestrophic event. "Scientists" are saying that there are huge dino-fart bubbles under the Gulf that have been bothered by the drilling and spillage of our not-on-my-friends-list-anymore favorite company, BP. They say that disrupting them could cause a massive explosion under the ocean and trillions of gallons of water will spray into the air, kill everyone; methane gas will come out out, go into our air, rain on us and we'll all become Tori Spellings. OK, maybe not that skinny, but messed up. Anyways, who knows if this shiz is real or not, it's just a theory-- it may or may not have happened already... 5 million years ago... Read the article and come to your own conclusion.

Good thing is, as of yesterday a new cap has been placed on the well and things are going ok. It's stopped... for now! MUAHAHAAA.. those dinosaurs seek revenge on the selfish, irresponsible mofos of BP. Oh, and the rest of the world too. But who cares? We have OIL!! OILL!!!!!!