Friday, July 16, 2010

Humans: The OTHER Other White But Sometimes Black, Brown or Other Colored Meat

Stephen Hawking may be the smartest person on the planet, and he says that those alien folks are not very friendly. He apparently has discovered that aliens not only will not be friendly toward us if we contact them, but they may want to colonize Earth, enslave us and eat us. Just like we do to cattle. I'm starting to think that maybe he's already contacted them via ET phone and already started an intergalactic beef. What did you DO, Stephen?! Did you tell them about the BP oil crisis and how it went on for 85 days without any sort of intervention and now they want to kill us because we're selfish, consumerist pricks? Stevie's come out with a new documentary explaining his theory and why it makes sense. But that's obvious-- because he's the smartest person in the world. So smart that he decided to go to a strip club in Kitchener, Ontario and get a lap dance from a confused hooker while he is in town teaching at University of Waterloo. That doesn't sound very smart to me. Why wouldn't he just see the classy Toronto strippers at the Brass Rail? Why doesn't he just own his own strippers because he has money from teaching astrophysics? Why doesn't he just hire a bunch of aliens to strip for him, shove their privates in his face and call it a day?

Whatever. The thought of those strippers makes me sick to my stomach. Hearing about this made me think of children's renditions of aliens. I love children's drawings-- they're so creepy but also so honest.

Wait a second, that last one doesn't go in there. Oh well. Notice how all these aliens look the same? Have children been watching too much TV? Wtf is a hybrid? Are they trying to imply that humans and aliens will be mating and having children? Is this what teachers are telling kids these days?!

The closest hybrid we're going to get in our lifetime is the fat kid-TV hybrid. The TV is just build right in there, on the muffin top, so the child can watch whenever s/he wants. S/he won't even have to get up to change the channel-- it's all in the nipples.

Quality 90's YTV Programming

Does anyone remember that weird TV show from the '90's on YTV called Maniac Mansion???? God, it was weird.

According to Wikipedia, the source for all truth in the universe:

The plot of the show is loosely based on the 1987 computer game Maniac Mansion, with several liberties being taken with the characters and stories.

The show centers around the Edisons, a family living in a large mansion in the presumably American town of Cedar Springs, headed up by father Fred (Joe Flaherty), an eccentric scientist, his wife Casey (Deborah Theaker), and their children, teenage Tina (Kathleen Robertson), pubescent Ike (Avi Phillips) and toddler Turner (George Buza). Living with the Edisons are Casey's brother Harry Orca (John Hemphill) and his wife Idella Muckle-Orca (Mary Charlotte-Wilcox).

Prior to the beginning of the series, Fred inherits the mansion from his father, also a scientist, as well as the evil, extraterrestrial meteor that was discovered living under the mansion several generations ago. The meteor possesses odd supernatural powers, causing strange things to happen around the house, including mutating toddler Turner into the body of a full-grown man and turning Harry into a creature with a human head and a fly's body. Often throughout the series, Fred performs various outlandish experiments in an attempt to return them to normal. Aside from these science fiction plot elements, the show largely followed the format of a typical sitcom, with plots revolving around such typical fare as sibling rivalry, marriage troubles, wacky neighbors and teen angst.

Maniac Mansion's brand of humor is similar to that of Canadian sketch comedy program Second City Television ("SCTV"), which shared much of the same cast and writers as Mansion. The show is filled with pop culture references and occasional parodies of movies, television shows and commercials, which served as the basis for most of the humor in SCTV.

Another staple of Maniac Mansion's humor was for the show to frequently break the fourth wall. Characters (primarily Harry) would often address the camera and talk about how the episode was going, while a few episodes were entirely meta-referential. For example, a few episodes take place "behind the scenes" of the show, where it's revealed the Edisons are actually playing themselves in a show about their lives, while the series finale, set in the future, features a grown-up Turner as a television executive who ends up creating Maniac Mansion.

Look at the huge fucking pussy! It's HUGE! And WHITE!

If that doesn't sound like a fucking riot I don't know what will to you, you desensitized bastard! Here's the theme song. It sounds like a drunken whore out on the streets of Toronto trying to make a buck. Wait a second, is that Chantel Kreviazuk!? And what's with that weird robot in the newspaper!? Does it walk around like that all the time or just when you tell it to do stuff? Can I get one? I know it was from the 90's but most cool things are still available from the 90's, like Tori Spelling. Here's a scene where the scientist Dad is trying to figure out a way to fix the fly guy "Get off my spoon you dirty bastard. You've been in the dog's shit half the day."

Does anyone know where this is available on DVD? VHS? BETA!?!? Apparently I'm not the only one thinking about this show.

You Sure Showed Those Small Business Owners!!!!

I'm sure everyone knows about the G20 in Toronto last month, or as my American friends refer to it "that g2 thing, y'all?" Yah, you forgot a 0. Anyways, a bunch of lunatic, rampant crazies came into our city and decided to TRASH the downtown core (video here-- warning, it's very disturbing and this is totally real and uncut). Apparently these "Black Bloc" people (more video here and an article here) do this at every summit, every year and trash the hosting city. I get it, you want to make a point... what's that point again? You hate corporations? Then why are you trashing that privately & immigrant owned small store? They are no corporation, they are just trying to run a business. Why are you trashing a Starbucks, which is a franchise, meaning it is owned by an independant person? Oh yah, because you clearly are a bunch of hypocrits, wearing Nikes and pulling out your Nikon cameras to document the action all while holding your home-made coffee in your reuseable plastic mugs from Canadian Tire.

Anyways, these Black Bloc freaks, who say they aren't a "group"-- they are a "protest tactic" (it looks pretty organized to me, and 12 people dressed the same way doing the same thing, yelling the same shit and holding signs and little red flags kind of fits the definition of "group"), went around messing with regular, peaceful protesters and terrorizing our city. Then once they thought they were about to be caught, they ripped off their black outfits to expose their matching, every day clothes underneath, so they could sneak away all the while being hidden by peaceful protesters! Freedom! No... Pussies! Admit to your bullshit and deal with the consequences, don't go sneaking through sewers to get away from cops. Clearly you have no backbone and will not stand up for what you "believe in" if you are willing to go to THAT LENGTH to escape identification.

Obviously this is a tactic AND they are also a group. A group of psychos that travels from countries all over the world just to appear at a protest and wreak havoc. And slap Tim Horton's cups out of peoples' hands. Our coffee is just not safe anymore, people!

Apparently the "corporations" are "out to get us". I don't think it's the corporations we need to worry about (especially Starbucks, who actually does a ton of charity work and gives ALOT of money every year to special needs groups ), I think it's these wannabe ninjas running around our country trying to make a statement that are the real threat. Take a look at the small businesses in the videos-- with the exception of Starbucks, Nike and McDonald's (the easy targets), they are all small businesses! How is that capitalism? A family trying to eke a living by being an entrepreneur? Why can't people just support others in their quest for success and food for their tables?

Here's a statement directly from me to the Black Bloc, with love: If you don't live in the city or country holding the summit, GET THE FUCK OUT! You have no say! We don't care what you think-- go protest peacefully with the real intelligent, positive, forward-thinking people. You took all the attention away from the people with REAL causes and put it all on yourselves because you are a bunch of babies who need a nap, have a poopy diaper and need a googoogaga soother. You, Black Bloc people, should be eaten to death by muskrats. Or tasmanian devils, because they stink.

Group or not a group? These self proclaimed "anarchists" say that they are "not a group", they "have no leader"... yes, actually, yes you do. The guy with the red flag running around telling you what to do is your leader, because you do what he says and nod when he looks at you and speaks to you. So therefore you are not anarchists. Anarchy doesn't work in real life, folks. Society must have order and laws and when you don't obey them, you get in trouble. That's that. Just don't go near the fence and don't trash the place trying to make some "point" about "corporations" and "colonialism"... you probably don't even know what the latter word means, since you probably live in a colony yourself. An ant colony. Oh yah.

Here are some more videos of the Black Bloc Terrorists aka "Anarchists" who are "not organized at all!!!" here (not sure which country this is or when), in Prague, Rostock, Athens, Minsk, Pittsburg,Vancouver, Seattle, Georgetown, and Madrid. Just admit you're organized and it will all be over, because we'll all know that you truely just don't understand what "anarchy" means.

Also, I love the fact that there are a ton of videos of these creeps set to post-hardcore and punk music. Typical! The best are the ones put to Rage Against the Machine songs-- I highly doubt that Zack, Tom, Tim & Brad would be impressed considering they are actually educated in political science.. one actually has a PhD in protesting... and they actually hold RALLIES to raise MONEY for their cause, not just act like a bunch of babies on crack.

I know at least one person who doesn't give a shit about riots, burning police cars, poltics, corporations or capitalism and that is this fucking brilliant man who just wants to shop and give more money to the corporations! He's so mad that the Eaton Centre is closed and he DEMANDS A REASON! "Why is it closed?" Look behind you, the city is on fire. And on the other side is an obnoxious teen trying to get his 15 minutes of fame. It worked.

Theory Number 4,892,735,892 About The End of the World: BP Remix

Everyone needs to read this article about the BP oil spill and how it may or may not have triggered a world-catestrophic event. "Scientists" are saying that there are huge dino-fart bubbles under the Gulf that have been bothered by the drilling and spillage of our not-on-my-friends-list-anymore favorite company, BP. They say that disrupting them could cause a massive explosion under the ocean and trillions of gallons of water will spray into the air, kill everyone; methane gas will come out out, go into our air, rain on us and we'll all become Tori Spellings. OK, maybe not that skinny, but messed up. Anyways, who knows if this shiz is real or not, it's just a theory-- it may or may not have happened already... 5 million years ago... Read the article and come to your own conclusion.

Good thing is, as of yesterday a new cap has been placed on the well and things are going ok. It's stopped... for now! MUAHAHAAA.. those dinosaurs seek revenge on the selfish, irresponsible mofos of BP. Oh, and the rest of the world too. But who cares? We have OIL!! OILL!!!!!!

If this is the new "hot", I will choose to be fashionably ugly.

I guess this is what one would call "homeless-chic" or something. I don't know but really, I am scared. Is this some sort of mutation due to too much fake tanner and not enough eating? Too much cocaine? Why do the models look like this?

OHHH.. it's on purpose?!?!? WTF. This is what oldschool MAD TV would call Fashion on an HNL-- HOLE 'NOTHA LEVEL.

These are some imagines from the Mercedes Benz fashion week in Berlin, July 9, 2010. Patrick Mohr is trying a little too hard to be avant-garde methinks. (Compliments of
Hollywood Rag)

Aaaand it's time to put on a shirt. My favorite one is the super Albino, number four. That orange shirt just brings out her beard so well!


OK, we've all heard about what the state of Mel Gibson is right now. A FIFTH audio has been leaked of his insanity. It's hard to say exactly what is going on here- he's obviously extremely angry, but why? What did this woman DO to him to make him SO MAD!? He says it's because she didn't give him a beej, but I beg to differ. I've refused to give beejs many times (annnd that's a lie) and no man has ever gone off the deep end like THAT before (but seriously the few times I did, they never flipped like this).

What did she do? Why is he crazy? Am I a little slutty? All I know is that this guy is clearly insane, on drugs, a drunk or all three or a combination of two or more.

Gibs comes up with the most clever insults too! "You'll fucking smile and blow me because I deserve it!" "Whore, cunt, bitch" "you have a dysfunctional cunt!" Who says this shit!??! Honestly, I think this guy should become a lawyer or something because he sure knows how to argue and clearly understands the logic of empirical evidence.

Anyways, here's the effing audio, all of them! MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Number One

"You're trying to breastfeed with.. fucking foreign bodies in you"-- He really, REALLY hates fake tits.

ANNND here's the death threat, getting a little crazier and a little asthmaier...

Number Two

"Fire the wetback" Number Three

"Blow me or I'll burn the house down!!!"
Number Four
(He really has done nothing but be nice to her!!)
"I had to sell my Lakers box!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!"
Number Five

Let's be reasonable here. He's yelling like a lunatic. She's recording the calls, clearly on her computer (phones are never THAT clear). What was her intention? Was this all started because he supposedly punched her while she was holding their baby? Why was he so mad to begin with!? What did she do!? A while back Mel's ex, Robyn, said that he has been violent in the past. Yet since this started, she's taking his side and saying that he's never been violent with her. Which is true, Robyn?

Either way, if someone is in an abusive relationship-- physical, emotional, mental, verbal, any way-- they need to get help ASAP.

My BFF's guide to emotional abuse-- are you suffering from it?
Help in Mississauga
Help in Toronto